Purposely Obtuse Fans

I don't understand those who idolize villains and woobify them. I really don't. I also don't understand those who use mental illness as a gotcha for people who question this logic.

But the fans that love these villains without question and excuse them with mental illness are wrong. So very wrong. For most mentally ill people, these villains resemble their abusers rather than them or their fellow mentally ill peeps. I second that--a lot of the villains that people both love and hate always reminded me of my abusers and bullies.

Let's take Kylo Ren for example because some fan(atic) decided that he was mentally ill and that people pick on him because he's mentally ill.

I want to say that its okay to like villains. I love villains myself. Some villains I feel are complex and interesting. Nothing wrong with it.

However, some fans take it too far--excusing fucked up behavior or justifying it all. Sometimes they take character traits from non-white heroes and given them to their White villain woobies while ignoring and demonizing the non-White heroes.

Such is with Kylo Ren. He throws rage fits that terrify even his own troops, murdered his fucking father for power, and even tried wooing Rey to the dark side after he once kidnapped and played around in her head... just a few of his visible actions from the movies.

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  • Current Mood: frustrated frustrated
  • Current Music: Fallout 3/Vegas/4 Soundtrack

An Endless Cycle

Depressed person: *visibly upset and weeping*
Other person: *runs away*

Depressed person: *wishes someone would ask if they're okay if they want to talk*
Other person: *keeps far the fuck away*

Depressed person: *more waves of depression it and negative thoughts start breeding like rabbits*
Other person: *chilling far the fuck away*

Depressed person: *seriously thinks they're worthless and should be destroyed; all negative thoughts about self seem to be true*
Other person: *never fucking wonders if depressed person is okay*

Depressed person: *after a week of crying and looking up suicide methods and trying to cut the pain out of their flesh, and deciding to try to hang on a little longer* Hey.
Other person: Oh hey. I was just giving you your space. I hear that's healthy.

Depressed person: Yeah sure is. *wishes Other person was forced to feel the pain and loneliness they went through*
Other person: We cool?
Depressed person: *faked* Yes.
Other person: Yay!


No I am not saying Depressed person is Other person's responsibility nor am I saying Other person doesn't have their own problems. I'm just showing how being ignored and left for dead helps a depressed person's thoughts snowball for the worst.

Sometimes when you think you'e doing a good thing, you're actually not. I for one can not blame a depressed person for feeling abandoned and alone when they're going through an episode and was really needing to NOT be alone. This excludes the manipulative ones.


Violence is NEVER The Answer

How can I be against violence if I promote it?

Sure, I may not agree with someone like say a racist, but I am and should always feel welcome to question them or challenge their points. I am and should always be welcome to make workshops to help those affected by their beliefs and vote to stop certain beliefs from turning into harmful laws.

Violence as activism has never sat well with me even when I was laughing at punching Nazis. There was a part of me deep down that understood violence was and is wrong. Perhaps it was my inner child who feared fist and belt alike that nagged me quietly from the recesses of my mind.

So sorry. I'm not reblogging or sharing memes or videos about punching people or any violence for activism. It doesn't feel right and it's totes illegal--the physical assault and the threats to assault someone or even murder them.



I don't normally advertise things on my blog, but money's tight and I tried ThreadUP as a customer and I loved it. I wanted to share my experience as well as my referral link in case anyone wants good clothes.

Bear in mind that ThredUP is slightly more expensive than other second hand stores because... well I'm guessing it takes a lot of money for web hosting and management, advertising, warehouse rent space, consignment processing, shipping, payroll stuff, etc.

Anyway, I ordered $516.11 retail value stuff. It was all $152.89 and because of the discount that shaved $61.16 off of my order, it came to about $91.73... no shipping.

I entered my sizes for various categories, looked through the selections and made my order. I received about 9 pairs of great looking pants, one shirt, and a pair of flats--fitting exceptionally well on me. I have been doing good at saving money despite things being tight at the moment, so I'm not worried about having spent $91.73 on clothes. Besides, my favorite pair of jeans died due to being one of my few pairs and thus overworked. I had to recycle them.

It's good to have more clothes in my case since growing up, I never really had great looking clothes or many clothes for that matter. It was always an easy go-to for my bullies aside from my race and looks. Even in the adult world, people will treat you less than shit because you're clothes are obviously old and worn and few.

Anyway, here's my referral LINK for 10% off on a ThredUP order.


Loud Male Voices

This isn't a hate post, but I as reading around one Tumblr, logged out of course since I no longer enjoy Tumblr, I came across a discussion that resonated with me.

Loud male voices terrify me. They send jolts of fear through me and make me hypervigilant even if the voice isn't angry. If it's intelligible or sudden, it does the same damn thing.

I guess it's because my father was always loud--especially when being angry and abusive as fuck. His ways of being were just so disruptive and unsettling that it caused me to develop a fear of loud voices--male especially--as well as loud noises. He did slam doors and throw things after all.

So that was the discussion--well not discussion, mostly women chiming in to confirm that loud male voices also terrify them and make them go into survival mode. 

Coming out Slowly as Gender Critical

So.... lately, I've been sharing gender critical views. These views are held as serious blasphemy against liberal/fun feminist spaces where trans inclusivity reigns supreme. It's treason really.

I have serious grievances with trans politics, trans cultism, and trans activism, but what could I say that hasn't been posted by other more well-versed and well-spoken radical feminists?

I would like to say that I did indeed start out as pro-trans even if it did not make sense to me. I supported trans this and trans that even when red flags popped up (lots of flags I ignored to be a good 'cis' ally).

I smiled behind a weary knowledge of what it truly means to be female while trans identified males put on the gendered trappings and proclaimed themselves real or better females. I had a sickening feeling in my gut whenever a natal female described her gender dysphoria which sounded eerily like the internalized misogyny that stalked my life in my teens.

I watched woman after woman be de-platformed for supposed hateful transphobic speech. I watched dog-piles happen on Tumblr over random girls talking on their own personal blogs about their bodies and periods and general girl problems. I watched blacklists and call-outs grow over trivial things. I watched people assert their boundaries over little things and say others have rapist mentalities for asking why they can't agree and reblog a user's post just because they have tiny view that the other doesn't agree with.

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Still not dead yet...

I went through some weird shit. My heart was acting up--palpitations caused by lung inaction. I also had some sort of viral/bacterial infection in my lungs. Mucus filled my right lung and then my left and they would switch every so often being sick and weighted down. It was difficult to move. Jostling my lungs would hurt them and my heart. I looked everywhere for every symptom I felt, but what other people described didn't seem to match   

I took to krill oil, magnesium, and such when it was just my heart. When it was my lungs, I started with mucinex equivalent and licorice tea. Then I started taking echinacea, golden seal, vitamin C, elderberry, zinc... and when that wasn't helping too well, I grabbed dayquil equivalent as well as fish mox.

I'm doing so much better, but I'm worried I'm not out of the proverbial woods yet. I guess I'm thankful to be alive this thanksgiving day, but death and the unknown are always stalking not far behind.


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It seems like I'm dying.

I'm only 32... and might be dying.

My heart is acting strange. There are palpitations plaguing me--scaring me into staying up late and worrying.

I'm not afraid of death, just pain. How long will I be in pain and how long will I have to endure it? Will I see supernatural beings to torment me?

I don't know. Death isn't scary, the process is though.


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It just occurred to me that Jarl Balgruuf the Greater is probably bisexual or gay, and that Nazeem, with what can be made of his comments and his wife's comments, might be sleeping with him. I mean c'mon, Balgruuf is an important older widowed man and Nazeem is a sycophantic younger man wealthy man who's fucking gorgeous. As annoying as Nazeem can be, I would admit, I would tap that boody.

I might be wrong.

But if I'm not, then wow Bethesda. That's different than what you usually do with gay characters. Usually you guys have them tragically die. I mean, Bethesda I used to call y'all  the masters of the "bury your gays" trope of the gaming world. But here is a possible good portrayal of gay and bisexual men.


Fuck Yo Bait and Switch

If you use a non-White character as a side piece of your bait and switch white dick fencing endgame pairing fic, hell no I won't read it.

But if I do read it, don't be surprised that I don't give a shit about the romance between the two white male characters.

I'm going to be inquiring about the well-being of the non-White character that got dumped or cheated on and then never to be heard from again.

Or worse, still single and still heartbroken, not allowed to find love and happiness again because it's not your main interest and you just needed an antagonist so why not use the non-White guy/gal?

Don't be surprised when I write something loosely based off of your story that gives dignity, love, and happiness, to non-White characters and their fans.