Dubstep Ender Fox (annedubstepfox) wrote,
Dubstep Ender Fox
annedubstepfox

Yesterday my father went berserk in the car because of an old lady driving slowly in the Walmart parking lot. It terrified me. A lot. Like what the fuck. He was beating the steering wheel and snarling out curses and insults like a rabid animal. He was kicking and stomping at the car floor too. One foot could have hit the gas pedal and he would have back-ended the old lady.

I said "Dad, seriously?"

"YES SERIOUSLY!"

"I'm getting out."

"LEAVE!" He said.

He could have easily passed her, but didn't until some time after I got out as fast as I could and apologized to her, telling her that my father's crazy. It's true though. Aside from being a narcissist (clinical sense), he's had this weird on/off psychopathic rage since forever and if he snapped on you... well. You'd be better off dead.

So I went into work a crying mess from being triggered. I mean actually triggered in the way your body renembers old trauma and dangerous situations. I was shaking badly all day and and lost in my thoughts all day. I put on a good show of acting normal for the customers, but inside I just wondered why me. Why this life and this family.

I posted about it on FB with a helpmeplease hashtag, but no one cared as usual. I told my mom later, but she doesn't understand the gravity of his rage fits even though less than two months ago he raged at her over the cedar hedge she had to remove.

I just want someone to care and to understand. As soon as I meet someone who cares and understands, I will know that life is worth living... because right now it really isn't.

As my older sister prepares for comic con with her kids and our mom, I'm in the bathroom crying again. No one cares, I keep reminding myself. I better pull myself together before work. Customers shouldn't have to be bothered by the idea that sales associates are humans, remember?

Tags: emotional invalidation. trauma, family, ptsd
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