Dubstep Ender Fox (annedubstepfox) wrote,
Dubstep Ender Fox
annedubstepfox

I wish I could have been beautiful and that someone else had to be the ugly monster because then I wouldn't be alone and unhappy. But here I am. I'm ugly... and a monster. My heart hurts everyday that I have to look in the mirror. All I ever do is try to separate myself from the creature in the mirror--not feel myself in my skin. I try to fight it everyday.

If someone else... preferably others who have hurt me because of it... had to live with it, they would know how it feels. They would know the bullying, the slights, the ignoring, the teasing, the loneliness, the self-loathing, and everything else that came along with it. I would laugh in their faces and tell them, "Remember when you treated me badly all those years? Remember how you couldn't feel bad about how you treated me and simply moved on with your day while I stewed in the pain? Now I get to make you miserable and you have to suffer silently!"

I know that's cruel, but I honestly, after years of learning it's okay to suppress empathy and even withhold empathy from abusers,

My father tries to tell me it's because I'm trash and nasty and vile, but he's an abusive narcissist who literally thrives on putdowns and sucking the energy out of nice people everytime they try to rebuild themselves. I'm not trash, nasty or vile... I do tend to try to defend myself from bullies who unironically treat people like shit.

I never want to hurt anyone and can actually try to help others... because that's just the inner me who is still trying to thrive even though my childhood was hell and my adult life is limited.

But I'm a hideous monster. I want to die... I want to kill myself, but I'm too much of a coward to do that... and I know someone will extoll the virtues of living and how shit won't be easier if I were pretty, but at least I could look at myself and not feel scared or gross. I wouldn't feel less than human either because then I would better fit the kind of humans that deserve to be respected, loved and acknowledged.

I'll never be pretty or loved...  I will go to my grave eventually with all my suffering and tears.
Tags: depression, heartache, hurt, monster, pain, sadness, suicide, ugly
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