Warning: Creepy Shit Follows!

I have been thinking over all the weird paranormal shit that's happened to me over the years... wondering if I'm crazy or this shit really happened. I mean I could actually be fucking crazy as all fuck or... or this shit is real. I kind of hope it's real... not for validation, but because maybe these spirits and other beings have things they want to say. Maybe they're just as scared as us humans.

Okay so...

One time a spirit or something dressed in black took me out of my body. He or she hugged me up out of my body so I could see myself being hugged by them. At the time I was going through some fucked shit and I was crying my eyes out.

Sometimes I see flashes of things that aren't my imagination or I get intrusive images and shit (stuff not even my subconcious would spit out).

As I was a sleeping, a ghostly hand placed its self on my throat and tred to choke me. I remember, it was day time and I had been sleeping longer and later due to a depressive episode. No one was in the house with me as everyone left to do things--work, conventions, etc. I awoke terrified that there might be someone in the home and I likely slept through a home invasion. There was no evidence of break-ins or any open windows. The cats were, of course, lazing around the living room as cats do.

On the day that my grandma died, I dreamt that she passed away. Much later in the day we got the phone call. You know... that phone call. She lost her battle with colon cancer.

Recently, I had a shadow man visit me in a dream. He sat next to my sister who was asleep and didn't notice him. He was at my feet. He got up and left as soon as I became aware of him. My bedroom door was closed and never opened all night. He simply vanished. When I woke up, my apatite stone was missing! I've searched my room and it's the only place I ever keep my stones!

Much more recently my grandma visited my dreams (she died 9-10 years ago?) the night before her birthday. She was wearing a white old-timey nightgown, standing at a table full of presents. The table was setting about the graveyard up in PA where we buried her. She visited me again (a week later?) and there was the grayard with its green grasses and tall trees, and there were men standing around wearing black.

Let's see... I was also doing chakra meditation and had been playing a lot of Minecraft recently. I Vishnu appeared in Minecraft style on his golden cloud and doing some kind of mudra. Another time I saw Jesus and some gravestones. WEIRD.

Also, I've experienced some sort of tinnitus... a strange type. I heard electrical buzzing. It's like the kind of buzzing you would hear from exposed wires or something. I don't know. It happened a few times early morning when I cracked open some Minecraft on Xbox One. It was weird. Later in the day I was watching ghost stories on YT with my mom and sister and well, the electrical buzzing happened again. That time I covered my left ear and shouted no which my mom and sister stared at me.

Sometimes I feel heat orbs in cool rooms and objects and it's also not my hands. I've smelled cigar smoke, whiskey, old timey perfumes... none of us smoke, drink or wear perfumes excessively. My older sister assures me no one died at our residence before we acquired it. I'm not so sure... but it could also be that someone in our row of houses died or a ghost that stalks the entire neighborhood.


Not Belonging

Sometimes I'm okay with it. I'm okay really... I don't need anyone in my life at all. I'm happy to sit around on my own with my thoughts, hobbies, and interests.

Other days I feel like shit. I start saying and asking things that are bizarre. I have thoughts, feelings, and memories that trouble me.

I don't belong on this world. I am not a child of this earth. I am not like everyone else.

And I don't mean this in a "special snowflake unique I'm secretly an advanced alien" kind of way (but sometimes I do feel less than human which I tried to remedy by adopting a fursona)... I mean I feel like I live in a glass rectangle where I can see out and no one can see in it. I feel like everyone has a people and a place and a belief system, but I have nothing and that I will never fit in anywhere.

I just feel like I was a mistake.... I feel like I'm the reason that abortion should be legal, no special restrictions or guilt trips.

But these feelings are getting less and less as I acknowledge and examine them, so I think I am making a recovering from  all the damage that's been done to me over the years. As I recover, I'm finding myself less and less hurt as well as learning to not give a shit about others too much. What I mean is, I'm learning to give less of my time, energy, and love to others who don't deserve it.


Lost at Sea

I guess I'm going to spend a lot of time meditating and trying to find the lost and/or broken memories inside my head. It's no secret that I struggle with memory among other things, but most people do I guess. I don't know. What I do know is that I had an early morning breakdown. It was the usual shit. I'm reflecting on the day and something triggers a memory. Then I go down a fucked well of thoughts and questions.

I wondered if I were even human... I asked myself if I was demon or a monster--and maybe that was the reason I as mistreated all my life. Maybe it was the reason I'm so ugly. Everyone seems normal and decent in the looks department, but me? I'm so hideous that plastc surgery can't give me a new lease on life.

I kept wondering if my parents were drunk when I was conceived, or if I was born mentally challenged. Sometimes I floated the idea that I had some head trauma that I don't recall. Or maybe I was slowly drugged over the years and that's what killed me intellectually, creatively, and socially.

I even went so far as to tell myself that if I could, I would stop yself from being born--that I deserved to be aborted. I screamed and sobbed, telling myself that maybe I was a horrible monster in past life and this was my punishment to be lived out until a higher power saw fit to release me.

Meditation might help... it might help me find out what happened to me. I don't really know. Maybe if I had answers to why I was so badly mistreated in school and at home, I could stop having these breakdowns... maybe I could truly heal?

But I guess I'm a little scared. What if I do uncover repressed memories? What if I don't like what I see? What if it drives me over the edge? I'm not a violent person who seeks out people to use for physical venting, but I do know I have little regard for my own life and have a tendacy to self-harm. I don't want to go back to that shit again and it's been a whole year since I managed to stop.

What to do... what to do indeed.
  • Current Mood: numb numb

Creeper Sapped My Title

So my sister and I have been playing Minecraft (Live edition) recently on the Xbone and she picked a really good world seed 06242018 (I think?). Anyway, I found quite a few villages and temples near the spawn area in the center of the first map you're given. Usually such things would spawn just outside of the map you're given.

I coursed the rivers, following them wherever they would lead, but ultimately I found myself back in the starting area and opted to leave my sister's house for the center of the map. Ironically I was hunting the temple I saw while traveling the rivers, but found three more temples and three villages. One of the villages had a promising cave system that I had to open up with the TNT I stole from the temples. I found mostly iron and coal, some lapris and gold, very few diamonds, but an over abundance of red stone.

Right now I'm building a medium sized home--nothing special, just bedrooms and storage space--it's based out of a village. I started my house right at the end of one of the roads leading out and there's sand near enough for me to farm cactus for my green concrete blocks (for roofing purposes). I will have to figure out where my windows will be. As a rule I tend to make my outside walls two blocks thick to avoid creepers getting close enough to ignite and take out my work.

All in all, I'd say I've got it pretty good in this world seed.  



I wish I had read the reviews before buying a phone and service from them. But I didn't so now I'm paying for a plan that (1) was not revealed to me early on and (2) can't be downgraded to a less expensive plan. I found this out after trying to log into my account for days and finding out an account user had to use Chrome's incognito mode to access the site.

When I bought the $30 dollar refurbished phone + ¢99 sim card, I did not see any plans listed. That should have been my first red flag. Instead I proceeded thinking the plans, if any after the free one-month trial, wouldn't be too much.

Well I was wrong. $89 dollar right off the bat--right on my free trial month. They did not mention this at all.

If reviews are any indication, Freedompop also charged people for services they did ask for and did not have any knowledge of until being charged. Worst of all, if you cancel your service you could be seeing charges from them years after


"Why don’t bi women date bi men?"

I saw that question on Tumblr today. I can't answer for every bi woman, but here's my answer as it pertains to me:


For the same reason I don’t try to date anyone else of any walk of life...

I’m not in a good position in life to date anyone.
I don’t want to bother anyone with my ADHD.
I have too much mental baggage from growing up in an abusive household.
I’m not attractive and can never hope to be.
I don’t like myself and I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone.
I’d rather be friends and sit around sharing hobbies like gaming or art.
I don’t trust easily and being gender critical while a good chunk of the western population is gung-ho trans ideology, makes it even harder.

I also like my space and privacy mostly. It would be too much trouble to let someone into my heart. One time I did--even over the internet--and it had disastrous results for me.

When I say "disastrous", I mean end-of-the-rope and praying to be hit by a train because I felt so worthless, disgusting, used, non-human, extremely insecure, etc. and it wasn't pretty. It took me a few years to heal up, but I still have the scars and the memories that haunt me.


And that's what I would put on my Tumblr if I had my original name.


The St. Louis Attack (Lesbophobia)

So... I don't care about misgendering to the extent that trans activists do. I don't care about anyone's real or imagined gender dysphoria. 

Being misgendered is not violence and it's not an excuse to commit a felony assault against someone. If you think it's a good reason to assault someone, there's something more serious than gender dysphoria going on in your head.

Get some fucking help.

I can't even tell you how many times I was misgendered (remember I am a PCOS, hairy, masculine female, that's ugly), harassed, assaulted by peers, assaulted by my father, ...and somehow, I managed to not beat the crap out of people. Somehow, despite my broken self, I manage to not be a violent fuckwit.

What these two individuals did was cowardly, depraved, and a disgusting example (among many others) of how and why trans activism is harmful to women--especially lesbians.

Now despite my distrust of non-bisexuals (G&L use us as bogeymen, T uses us for their gotchas and soldiers), I will always side with victims of REAL violence. In this case, a lesbian was assaulted by two trans identified females who went on to brag about it on Twitter.

My heart goes out to her and I hope she gets all the love and support she deserves. And I'm glad one of the assailants was fired from their job. Honestly... all this TERFs need to be punched, hanged, tortured, raped, etc. makes me hate the trans movement even more. They are anti-Feminist and nothing more than terrorists.


Tales from GaiaOnline

I have a story to tell from the before times--roughly fifteen years ago. Now, this wasn't the only experience that pushed me to #peaktrans but it was the most striking thing and I've kept it in the back of my mind all this time. Bear in mind, I was doing what I could to be a good ally (and we know allies are one use and throw away under the current SJ/activism model) and pushed trans rhetoric and avoided interacting with TERFs though I had my gut feeling that something was "off" about anti-TERFs and what they were telling people.

Anyway, one time on a feminist thread on some forum we were discussing reasons why women and girls don't come forward about sexual harassment, rape, and other things. We were also discussing the fear of predation and what we do to ensure our safety and the safety of other women and girls--normal stuff for a feminist thread. Note this was when feminist was still for women mostly and aside from trolls and MRAs, the thread was ours to discuss female relevant issues and debate the intruders.

Well here comes this one woman we assumed was a woman and she proceeds to grill me and other women as hypervigilant, paranoid, and all those other things that hurt men's feelings cause they're just trying to get to know you and get your number. I was grilled for saying I would never accept drinks from men and that if I accidentally left a drink unattended I'd pour it out buy a new one AND for being against dating men though I was and am still bisexual. "What if you met a guy and he really liked you?" Shit like that.

Some important things about this woman. She had a history of being aggressive, gaslight-y, overly chatty about kinks, and plain rude to women. She was the ultimate kool-aid drinker. On this forum we could choose to dress up our characters and change their looks as we wished provided we posted enough to earn the fictional currency. She dressed her character rather porn-y--like fantastical BDSM stuff. Nothing too hair-raising considering the sex pozzies and their everyone who doesn't like it is a frigid prude mantras.

Well, later I find out through other threads that she was a he. A trans-identified male.

So I'm thinking in the back of my mind, of course! It makes sense (every "discussion" with him was PTSD inducting/triggering my goddess!), but I didn't consciously acknowledge it. A while later in a thread about racism, I meet this guy's alternate account (dressed his avatar as a kinky Dr McCoy/Deforest Kelly) and I'm not sure it's him at first because though I've encountered many people and trolls, I was still learning to identify/profile and hunt trolls.

Okay, so he's arguing with, not debating with, and gaslighting another group of women (WoC) on the misogynoir thread. He's laying into this one chick I admired generally. At the time I was coming to the realization of what my father was and has been doing to us (his three daughters) for nearly our whole lives. My dad was an NPD. I was reading up on every resource I could after coming to that realization.

So when this TiM comes to tell Black women about how we're over exaggerating and he doesn't see what we're talking about, it all clicked a little harder. I saw the distress he was causing to this woman and it was only because I started looking at NPD and that I was not under fire from him at the time. I could clearly see what he was about without the haze of emotional torment and anger clouding my mind.

I took that moment of realization to step and call him out meme style. I said, "What you're doing, it's there and I see it." He plays innocent. The woman he was tormenting snaps out of his control and I'm not sure if she thanked me or not, but what was important was that she now understood what he was doing to her mentally.

I eventually strayed away from Gaia for several reasons... Gaia's changing culture, the double standards with the madmins (I posted an anti-white meme in the middle of an anti-Black troll thread (that I and others reported several times and were told it wasn't against the rules/it was just a discussion) which the the mods straight up ignored until I did that), the lack of quality, the trolls, and of course the prowlers like that TiM.

That was my story.


Stories from Gaia Online

I remember on Gaiaonline there was a thread extolling the virtues and pleasure of anal sex (what the F ever). So many men and women praising it and talking about how nasty vaginas were and even stating women peed through their vaginas.

It was one whole big gaslight moment for me. I was like this is insane. Cause I been through sex ed and health class and as shoddy as it was, it couldn't copare to the stupidity in that thread.

I had a to tell a woman older than me at the time about the structure of female reproductive organs, the ph levels, the cultures, and how the urethra and vagina were two different holes for two different purposes. She was so embarrassed after realizing it.

I know the human race is pretty ignorant to female anatomy to the point of it costing women's lives, but come on people! It's 2018! At this rate we'll have flying cars before we have adequate information and sympathetic attitudes toward women's health!


Furry Surgery

All my life I have had issues fitting in with others (bullied relentlessly--me shying away, keeping quiet, trying to avoid interactions due to fear) and not visually being up to standards (ugly, half-black) which lead me to feel less than human--like a monster even.

I became drawn to anthropomorphism because I felt like it was okay if it's not me that has real human feelings but an animal avatar. I noticed white people treat animals and anthro characters much better than non-White people. I also felt less ugly if I thought of myself as my fursonas. I could do more and feel more and be more than I am.

However, no force in the world would ever make me want to become an animal. Not even would I want to go under the knife and have cosmetic surgeries to look like a fox, wombat or panther. I think that would be a little too far down the well of delusion.