Dubstep Ender Fox (annedubstepfox) wrote,
Dubstep Ender Fox

I Feel Awful Today

I hate how everything I think and feel is confined inside of me. I need to scream everything out... but that would be rude. It's more polite to let it slowly poison--stress and anger that can't be let go--because they refuse to hear it so it will never be addressed and resolved. No amends; just pretend nothing happened or nothing was said.

So... here's one thing: I might have congenial hypothyroidism. Anyway, I always wondered why it was that though active and eating no different from others, I was the fat one. I was ridiculed, hurt,... all the while told to get a sense of humor. Haha. I liked crying alone in my room and feeling lonely--the odd man out--different thus wrong. Lol. So funny.

But all of this makes me... I have been taught to hate myself. I avoid the mirror like the plague and yet sometimes when I see myself I don't understand what's wrong with me. I see a normal human being. I see flaws of course, but again, that's a normal human being right? And I don't understand why I make others react the way they do. I don't understand at all. They recoil in and joke or snicker or give dirty hateful looks--even grown adults too.

What are they seeing that I am not seeing?

I don't take up more than one seat. I'm not the prettiest, but I'm not a horror film monster.
Tags: alienation, anger, depression, hurt, sadness, self-hate, ugly, what is family
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