Dubstep Ender Fox (annedubstepfox) wrote,
Dubstep Ender Fox

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St*pid Wishful Thinking

I know I spend a lot of time mulling over the past... decisions made for and about me that weren't actully good, mistakes I've made that hurt others... but I really want to go back in time and take custody of my child self. I want to take care of of her and make sure that she knows that she's wanted, loved, and that if she asks for help, she'll have it.

I want her to know that she may not be pretty with or without makeup, but that she's beautiful in action and word. I want her to know that she doesn't have to have the latest clothes or shoes to be worth something. I will teach her what real friends and lovers are so she can spend less time and energy on fake ones. I will teach her to detach from family members who hurt her, don't care about it, and don't apologize for it.

If she makes mistakes I want to show her a better way instead of snapping on her and hitting her, or calling her names. I will absolutely not ever beat her or talk down to her so badly that she ends up keeping quiet. I want to show her that she doesn't have to fear judgement or rejection, that she can use it to learn and grow. I want to encourge her to ask questions instead of making her feel stupid or like she's an annoyance for wanting to know things or guessing at things.

If she's having difficulties in school assignments, I'll work with her and and make sure she can see specialists. If she's being bullied, I'll make sure she understands that bullying is harassment and that she doesn't have to take it. If she stands up for herself and the school system doesn't like it, I'll give them an earful and bad publicity until they do something other than protect bullies.

I want her to know that while not every dream is impossible that she can set her sights on the ones that are possible. I'll tell her that it's okay to mourn lost friends and family and that it's okay if she doesn't. I will make sure that she knows that she doesn't have to keep people in her life that invalidate her and make her feel small.

At first glance, I know that this sounds incredibly selfish and narcissistic, but it's not.... it's what a good -- even half-way decent -- parent should do for their child or children. These are things my parents either didn't do or half-assed. I don't hate them.. well... I hate my father, but I can't help but wonder how my life -- my childhood and adult life would have been like if they had stepped up to real parenting.

I'll never truly know, so it's time to put it all to rest. No more mourning my adverse childhood. No more wishing things had been different. I'll just try to make the best of what little I have.
Tags: being a pathetic waste of space, childhood, childhood memories, depression, heartbreak, hurt, idealistic much, parenting, sadness, wishful thinking
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