Dubstep Ender Fox (annedubstepfox) wrote,
Dubstep Ender Fox

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Open Letter: KlayKings

Dear NameUser (and members of KlayKing's),

Firstly this is not a letter asking to be unbanned or reinstated as a moderator or administrator to any of your servers  though I appreciated my time there.  I had always tried to abide the rules of KlayKings and server the players as well as do anything asked of me as it pertained to KlayKing's, but I do not feel I could ever ask to be a part of the group or  server again. I have wronged you and others. I have shamed Klayking's and broken your trust. Although I miss you all--I do not belong there at all because of my misdeeds. For that I shall remain in exile forever.

This is actually an apology letter.

I, CosmicDubstepFox (or Anne<3 if you prefer), fully acknowledge any and all wrong doing on my part in:

1. Nominating Galakra for donor administratorship
2. Disobeying direct orders and NOT reporting anything Galakra said
3. Double-dealing with Galakra at all

I am also sorry for the Skype call that I took part in and now realize that it was mean spirited as well as probably deeply  humiliating toward you. Maybe even it hurt your feelings and broke your heart. It was disgusting and shameful behavior for me to engage in and if I could change things months before that incident, I would. Hell, I would have told Galakra to go fuck himself and banned him the first time he ever trash talked KlayKing's.

This chaos I invited was a terrible one and I am not free of guilt even as I make this apology. This guilt has spanned for 5 long months and I do not see an end to it. I am that kind of a creature--one who thinks in great lengths and never  forgets her mistakes or sins. Blue Heaven Alpha has no quarrel with KlayKing's or anyone--never did actually--which is why  we never really attacked. Rather we documented ALL aggression aimed at us, but no attacks as I myself am rather docile and peaceful unless it concerns friends and family.

After running a server myself I can now fully appreciate all the time and effort it takes to run a server and keep it  running smoothly. It was a lot of hard work on both my and Barble's part. I now understand why you were hardly there in the  server and seemed to ignore me. However, I felt as if there were so many secrets and many people I did not get to meet--namely to keep me in the dark. I plan to not do that to my admins and moderators. I will let them know everything so they don't feel as terrible, left out, and clueless I was made to feel while working for KlayKings under you and Hitman Sparky. I cannot--on an empathic level--afford to treat my staff the same way you treated me and Barble.

Lastly, I have always believed there was no reason for me to be angry with anyone except myself and Galakra, but mostly myself. I was never angry at you NameUser. I do believe that I deserved to be trash talked behind my back for my part in all of this. Perhaps you were right to call me a whore. I don't know. But know this: Galakra did not pay me in Team Fortress 2 items--he "paid" me in another intangible thing--attention and false affections.Like a fool I was smitten and thus blinded.

Love is a potent poison. Emotions are volatile elements.

If there a lesson to be learned from the story of Adam and Eve, that lesson would be that Eve should have jammed the apple down The Snake's throat and gone on with her duties to Adam. Likewise, I should have recognized Galakra for the evil twisted snake that he was and told him to fuck off--even banned him from your servers entirely.

Now that I have been exposed to heartache, I will no longer trust or open up to anyone ever again. The pain from it and the loss of friends and status as well as someone I loved as a brother figure are way too much to risk again. I can no longer allow myself to feel anything for anyone now--especially men.

Tags: apology, depression, guilt, open letter, pain, sadness
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