It's been years and I wonder why I fell in love with you. You're not exactly good looking, but you were alright. Um anyway I never told you any of these feelings because I was the monster. I was the girl that everyone hated and bullied. I was so sure you'd decide I was unworthy of being treated like a human being and hurt me too.
I was scared. I was scared of being hurt and scared of heartbreak.
Well recently I got my heart broken. It's been a year and some months, but the cuts all over my heart are still fresh and gore-y. If I could do it all over again, I'd rather you break my heart because you I think I could forgive.
This other guy.... I haven't forgiven him for all the lies and the putdowns. I haven't forgiven him for rallying a supposed friend behind my back to upkeep the lies. I haven't forgiven him for all the shit he's done to me when I had supported and helped him so much.
No thank yous.
He just left me as a broken empty husk after draining me emotionally and physically.
Worse, I can't but feel like I deserve to be treated this way by everyone. No matter how many times I try to pick myself up and feel better--feel like I deserve only the best, it all comes crashing down on me.
I think... I think my heart is too weak to find forgiveness.
What is forgiveness to someone like me?
Forgiveness is love, honesty, friendship... all those wonderful things and I don't know what love is... or friendship or honesty. No one showed me those things. They gave me cruel mockeries or none at all, so it's no wonder they all crumbled and that forgiveness is just a pipe dream.
I'm sorry. I'm trying to not hate all men. I try to very hard to give men the benefit of the doubt and all that lovely stuff. But I'm only human... and a woman. My heart still aches so much--I'm a depressed broken girl with no real hopes for the future.
PS. If we meet again through this letter... don't take it seriously. I may still love you, but I've been put in my place--a cold dark box where light and love are forbidden to enter.